I had an opportunity to interview Janelle Hertzler and read her book, Seasons of Solace.   This beautiful book uses photography and poetry to share her healing journey after her husband was killed by a drunk driver.

I was so impressed with the beauty of this book.  The photographs and the words are so profound and touching.  I’ve kept this book on my shelf to loan out to people who are going through a loss.  I think this is a great way to offer support and comfort to a grieving loved one.   Janelle also offers some great tips for offering words of sympathy in this interview.

Q:  Hearing things like, “God will use this death for good” or “God
will get you through” can really be difficult during grief.  What is
the best way of offering words of comfort and is it ever appropriate
to bring God into the situation?

A: Being willing to simply look the bereaved in the eye and say, “I’m sorry for your loss” is much better than trying to make them feel better. Too often these attempts to make things better whether talking about God or reminding bereaved about something good end up feeling like attempts to take away the pain. The sorrow is the one thing that still connects the bereaved to their deceased loved one. To make statements that are attempts to relieve their pain can feel like adding insult to injury and a way of saying they need to quit caring for their loved one.

Even if you are sure the person has a deep relationship with God, if you are not a close confidant, you cannot know how they are relating to God at the moment. Many people develop a deeper faith during grief. Many also go through times of deep anger toward God. Any attempts to provide answers usually ends up feeling like you are denying the reality of the person’s emotions. So my advice is let the bereaved initiate any faith conversations. If they do not bring it up, just be willing to be with them on their terms.

Q:  Two of your poems in Seasons of Solace mention these comments.  It
struck me that your response was so polite, yet on the inside you were
angry at such comments.  Do you think this is common in your
experience of working with people who are grieving?

A: I wouldn’t say that everyone would have similar internal reactions, each person is different. However, over and over at poetry readings, I have had bereaved people tell me that they deeply relate to those poems. Those poems immediately took them to their own similar experiences and similar reactions. They thank me for being willing to acknowledge these experiences.

Q:  What are some things that people said to you that were helpful?

A: As I’ve said above, simply saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” is most helpful. If you will be praying for the family, you can say that.

The people that were most helpful to me asked open questions, listened silently, and provided no quick-fix answers. One tip for questions-”How are you?” is too big and overwhelming. “How are you doing today?” is a manageable question to answer.

Also it was helpful when people invited me to specific events. If someone said, “Let me know if you would like to get together or do something” it just didn’t happen. I didn’t have the energy to come up with plans and arrange childcare

Q:  What was the most helpful thing a friend, family member or
individual did to help you in your grieving process?

A: My church arranged and paid for childcare for me even though I wasn’t working-they were just wise enough to know that grief is exhausting, and I would need some alone time.

Several of my aunts who did not work on Fridays planned weekly times together and help me work on a memory book about John. They worked on their own projects but provided space, supplies, and advice to get help me as I had never made a scrapbook before.

Q:  Now, if you were in the situation of being able to extend comfort
to a young widow, what would you want her to know?

I would want her to know that I am willing to listen to whatever she wants to say, that all her emotions are acceptable, and that she can take as much time as she needs to heal.

There are also a growing number of young widows support groups online. Some widows have a difficult time finding other young widows and can feel pretty isolated. Many widows in the online groups say they couldn’t find any other local widows groups and really find helpful connection with these groups. Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation (www.sslf.org) is one such group to explore.

Q:  If I think that a friend could really benefit from something like
creative writing or contemplative photography, what would be a good
way to recommend this to them?

A: On my website www.journey-through-grief.com, I have listed some “starter” ideas so people can experiment and see if this is something that they would find helpful. I also write about several books that I have found helpful, so if they want to get into it more they can consider purchasing those books.

In general I think some form of creativity is really powerful for helping a person heal. Creativity can help people express emotions that may feel difficult to express otherwise. Creativity also helps a person start to be more hopeful about the future again. They begin to see that the future can still hold new and interesting endeavors for them. And for those who think they aren’t artistic, creativity can be expressed in other hobbies such as gardening or even in developing new career-related ideas.

Thank you Janelle for taking the time to share your story and for answering our questions.

You can learn more from Janelle at her website  www.journey-through-grief.com

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